An Evening With Cesar Milan: Dog Whisperer 

Hey, Fido! What’s that, boy? Timmy fell into the well? No? Grandma got her head stuck in the panini press again? No? Pa’s gonna rob a bank to support his addiction to those cherry Luden’s throat lozenges? No? Dammit — somewhere something terrible is happening, and you can’t delight in it because you can’t understand your dumb dog. Fortunately, TV dog whisperer Cesar Millan is bringing his live show to the Fillmore Miami Beach (1700 Washington Ave., Miami Beach). He will tell stories of his own life among the pups, instruct audience members how to see the world “through a dog’s eyes,” and might, as a professional whispering expert, share what he believes Bill Murray said to Scarlett Johansson at the end of Lost in Translation. Though dogs are not allowed inside the Fillmore, Millan will flaunt the venue rules and perform a live dog-whispering demonstration, biting the hand that feeds him like punk provocateur G.G. Allin (though with a slightly lower risk of onstage defecation). With the tips and tricks Millan will provide, you’ll be commanding your froth-mouthed pack of mutts to attack your enemies and carry you, the conquering hero, down the streets on a river of furry backs. Or if you don’t have a dog yet — if your life is an endless hell of having to retrieve your own newspaper from the driveway and pretend that someone is excited to see you when you get home — Millan is sure to have advice for you too. — By B. Caplan

Price: $42-$100